The universe works in wonderful ways. Last Sunday, I had the chance to spend an inspiring afternoon with my new friend Marc. Over a plate of runny eggs and too many coffees, our discussion floated to a deep open chat about our paths, our struggles and our insecurities. We realised how we had both felt out of place in our childhood, had both struggled with our identities and had both felt a disconnect with the world around us. And then, by luck, we selected a movie that beautifully and wonderfully represented all of what we had touched upon: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

This funny, inspired, and heartfelt movie blew us both away. It follows the freshman year of Charlie, a troubled and quiet teenager who has had little interaction with people his age. He meets siblings Patrick and Sam, and as the plot unfolds, opens up and overcomes many of his struggles. The film touched us in many ways and struck a deep chord within both of us, for a few reasons;

It showed how we can feel like spectators of our own lives. Charlie, the main character, has had little interaction with other people. He is quiet, lost in his thoughts, trying to understand himself and his place in the world, by observing and analysing everything going on around him. For many people, that feeling can be a reality: insecurity, bad experiences or trauma fill them with fear or doubt: they don’t feel good enough to speak their opinions, to connect to others or to stand up for themselves. They feel unable to take action, to speak their thoughts and to take control of their lives. They observe the world around them to understand it better, rather than participating in it and living. They are, as the movie title hints, as a wallflower: they look out to the world from their fixed perspective, feeling disconnected and separate.

It showed how we can focus on others too much, forgetting to take care of our own selves. Charlie wants to make everyone around him happy, however he is unable to help himself. As children, we learn to validate our behaviours through the people around us: our parents, teachers, families. We learn to associate ourselves with external events and factors to make our decisions and formulate our opinions. But although many learn to disassociate themselves as thew grow older, some are still unable to trust their own judgements and their own instincts. Instead, they live their lives based on what they assume others may think and on how they may be perceived. They show love to people around them, however do not take care of themselves, do not follow their inner voice, do not follow their deepest desires. They spend their time and energy caring for others, for their families, friends or colleagues. They fail to take care of themselves, of their minds, their bodies and their spirits. They don’t understand what makes them tick, what makes them feel good, and what drives them.

It showed how we don’t always feel deserving of love. “We accept the love that we think we deserve”. One of the most memorable quotes from the movie, this simple sentence perfectly explains why many date the wrong people. They don’t feel worthy of love, don’t believe that love exists for them, don’t imagine being good enough. So they settle. They settle in the wrong relationships, with the wrong friends, in the wrong careers. At some point in our lives, we all feel unworthy and undeserving, and we let it affect us in many ways, at a conscious level but also at a subconscious one, letting people and events take advantage of us.

 It showed how we all have unique talents and gifts. Charlie discovers a great love for music, for reading and for writing. He is encouraged by his English teacher to follow his love for words and to write his own short stories and eventually, novels. We all have our own amazing talents, however many of us do not develop them. Instead we participate in activities, jobs and careers that help us to fit in, when in fact, we were born to stand out. How many people do you know that are actually following their dreams, that take time to do things they truly love doing, and use their gifts to help people around them?

It showed how we can glimpse at times at how amazing we are. Even the most unaware person can glimpse at times at how we are not the sad story that we tell ourselves. We all get moments like these in our lives: moments when we feel on top of the world, we feel amazing, we feel fulfilled. Many people find this fulfilment through external factors: relationships, food, alcohol, exercise, etc. In these cases, the feeling will be short lived. True long-term fulfilment comes from following your heart, being yourself, and making steps to create the life you want, in every single aspect of it.

THE PERKS OF BEING YOU
The feelings and emotions portrayed in the movie hit a deep chord in me. It felt very close to home, and am sure will do for a number of gay men. It reminded me of we can feel separate from those around us, our lives and the people we love. During our childhood and teenage years we observe from a distance and learn to fit in by adapting our personality and appearance. We keep a safe distance between ourselves and the rest of the world.

Some of us learn to validate ourselves by external signs of happiness: expensive clothes, a perfect body, financial success, lavish parties. We look at others to love us, to fill our own lack of self-love. We don’t always feel deserving: we subconsciously bring ourselves down for being who we are. Many gay men I know, including myself in the past, fall into the wrong relationships with the wrong people. We settle for a small portion of what we really want, because we don’t believe that we can or in fact are worthy of anything better.

However, we all have many magnificent gifts and talents. Us gay men have paved the way in many industries, many fields, many arts. We have developed a unique sense of self-deprecating humour and have shown the world an openness of mind that has helped shape our society. Each individual, gay or straight, male or female, has something to offer the world. It is up to you to take full advantage of it, to create your own unique niche, to be yourself. Once you let go of the need for external approval, of your fears and that you truly follow your heart, you will discover just how amazing you are.

WE ARE INFINITE
We left the cinema remembering what life was all about: about following your dreams, connecting to yourself and to others, and finding your fulfilment. We both realised how grateful we were to some of our close friends for showing us the way to find love within ourselves, and helping us see the love around us. In my case, my fantastic friend, Founder of The Velvet Journey, Tony, who helped kick start in me a will to create the life of my dreams: fulfilled, balanced, healthy and happy.

We are infinite. That is the one final message of the movie that encapsulates just how amazing each and every one of us are. We are all capable of great things, once we learn from our pasts and commit to a better future. As was said in the movie: “We can’t do anything about where we’ve come from. But we can do something about where we go from here.”

Will Pike – October 2012

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Tony and myself are running our “Be Yourself, Change Your World” 1-day workshop on Saturday the 3rd of November. We will cover many of the topics mentioned above: self-love, acceptance, confidence and direction, to help you create a life of your own design. For more information and to book your ticket, click here.

If you’ve worked with me either on healing, coaching or attended one of my workshops, you know that I am a big proponent of managing negative self-talk.

So far working with hundreds of clients tackling self-love, depression, anxiety, sexuality, sexual frustrations and dissatisfaction, bad relationship with food, feelings, anger, insomnia, back pain, high blood pressure, addictions, money issues, job, relationship, panic attacks, migraines, the list goes on… one of the main root cause of these issues is the negative self-belief that is deeply rooted in their conscious and subconscious mind.

Did you know that on daily basis we think on average 70,000 thoughts, we each “speak” to ourselves, providing feedback on how we’re doing.  The NEGATIVE feedback tends to dominate ones day to day living. As a result, one ends up feeling worse, ones self-esteem diminishes – and one ends up in a rut.

Over the years I have helped many clients shift their thoughts, helped create personal affirmations and taught them simple to use tools to help them manage and change their “Self-Talk,” in doing so they can both elevate their level of self-esteem and empower their lives to attract rich relationships, abundance, fulfilment, happiness and all of the other things we all want in our lives.

My years of experience in the Information Technology (IT) I saw over and over again virus infected systems and networks and until the network was cleaned up and virus protected nothing was working, the business would loose £££ and would have a negative impact on the customers  too.

Just the way we can reprogram or upgrade a PC, we can to REPROGRAM our minds to enjoy greater happiness, wealth, confidence, love, success, health – and more.

ALL just by changing what we say to ourselves.

Be Yourself, Change Your World Workshop on the 3rd of November shows you the precise steps you need to follow to change your own Self-Talk.

It’s an amazing workshop, and I highly encourage you to check it out:

http://bit.ly/VwxuUl

After all, isn’t it time you successfully managed Your Life and took the first steps.

Love, Joy, Peace

Tony J Selimi

© Transformational Life Coach, Reiki Master and Energy Healer

The answer to that question will reveal in you ever, achieve the success, the life, the peace you’re, looking for or not.

The funny thing is though, you can’t answer it with words.Nope.  Words don’t cut it. That’s not how this question gets answered.  This question ONLY gets answered by the sheer DEFEAT and FEAR you suffer, and observing what happens immediately after that.

Sure, you may fall down a while. You may need to lick your wounds. You may need to take a breather. But will it STOP YOU?

Will that defeat and fear stop you?  Will that challenge stop you?  Will that problem stop you? Will that obstacle stop you? 

This is the single most important answer you’ll ever discover to creating the success you’re looking for in life.

There’s not one more profitable skill you can develop then that of overcoming FEAR and becoming UNSTOPPABLE!

And I do literally mean becoming UNSTOPPABLE.  As in… nothing will ever stop you. As in, you will need to DIE before you stop. As in… you make the TERMINATOR look like a wussy. 

That’s the kind of Unstoppable I’m talking about, letting go the Fear that holds you back and help you reach that place within yourself…

… I’m not kidding you.  You’ll crush anything you do.  You will shock yourself with the results you produce.

You will OVER ACHIEVE your personal goals… and then immediately set ones 10x bigger.

You will make money effortlessly, and the goal will then never be about making money again (because it’s so easy), and now the goals will be about IMPACT you actually create in the world.

All of this… comes as a result of letting go FEAR and being Unstoppable.

And our “Fear2Freedom” workshop that will help you become Unstoppable is happening October 13th. 
If you want to let go your Fear and become an UNSTOPPABLE , then don’t be stopped in attending this transformational workshop.

Click to Choose Freedom!

Make the first choice towards creating a life more powerful than you’ve ever lived before… and it will really begin once you’re here.

©Tony J Selimi

Transformational Life Coach, Reiki Master and Chakra Healer

 WE ARE OUR FAMILIES

It’s a fact: our families shape us. We spend our early years in wonderful awe of the world we have come into; we soak up everything around us and create our perceptions of the world based on what we are told, see and hear. Then as we grow up, our own experiences add a new layer of beliefs and truths about the world and ourselves, which follow us and determine our feelings and behaviours.

As gay men, the relationship we have with our families can be a complex one. Many a family has been torn apart by a son or daughter coming out. I have met several men who were completely rejected by their own parents for being themselves, and expressing it. Of course, these are extreme and (luckily) rare cases – yet they go to show how non-acceptance of individuals leads to negativity and the breakdown of some families.

Yet this non-acceptance does not always come from the family itself: it can also be internalized within us. We live in a society with a history of hatred towards anything outside of the norm, and a background of sexism, racism and homophobia. Although times have changed and the world (especially the UK and London in particular) is becoming a more tolerant and integrated place, at a subconscious level such widespread negativity has had a damaging impact on a lot of gay men. Many, including myself, have had to struggle with the nagging feeling that they are not right, that they do not fit in, and that they cannot be themselves. And if we do not fully accept ourselves, how can we expect others to?

As such, being gay can have an effect on the way we feel, on the way we communicate, and on how we interact with our siblings and parents. I have recently realised for example that I pushed my family away throughout my teenage years and my early twenties. I wasn’t accepting myself, and therefore I could not accept my family for who they were. At the time, I blamed them for not being the family I thought I should have, for not having the relationship with them I would like, and for not being the kind of people I wanted them to be. Why? Because it was easier to blame them and to focus on their own failings and defaults, rather than face myself and my own.

MY OWN STORY

Indeed, since the age of 15 my twin brother and myself started to grow apart. We went to different high schools, studied different degrees, and started hanging out with different people. At the same time, my communication with my parents and other brothers (twins as well) hit a low point. In reality, I was struggling with who I was, and could not accept or understand my own gay thoughts and feelings: I wanted to be left alone.

Over the next decade these subconscious feelings remained, and got in the way of any normal interaction I could have had with my close family, and even with my twin. My drama-free coming out at the age of 21 was a milestone, and gave me a hint of what I would realise a few years later: that I had come from a truly loving and accepting family. However, at the time I was only just beginning to understand myself, and was deeply lacking in confidence, self-love and acceptance. And so I carried on my years of drifting, of feeling lost and unable to be or express myself.

It wasn’t until I met Tony at the age of 25 and started my own journey of self-discovery with him that I finally began to see clear. I realised that my behaviour towards my family had evolved not from them, but from our misunderstanding and miscommunication. And I understood that the only person that could re-build a loving relationship and open communication with my family was myself. 

And so I made the conscious decision to try harder: to call them more often, to demonstrate my love for them at every occasion, to appreciate them and to connect with them at a deeper level. Over the past two years, I have expressed my darker secrets, my thoughts, my feelings and emotions to them, sometimes in writing, sometimes in person. And they have listened with unconditional love. They have accepted every single part of myself, with no judgment whatsoever.  It wasn’t always easy; my old, dark feelings sometimes crept back and stopped me from being myself. However I have persevered, and things have changed in ways I thought unthinkable a few years back.

At the same time, through my own self-acceptance and self-love, I in turn learnt to accept them and to love them unconditionally. I learnt to appreciate what I have, and to be grateful for what I have been given. And I have discovered what amazing people they are. I am extremely proud of my parents, my twin, and my two younger twin brothers.

My twin got married a few weeks ago. Throughout the last few months, our family has been drawn closer and closer as we got together for a Stag weekend in Budapest, a pre-party at our home in France and the official wedding in Wigan. I believe the whole process was very healing for all of us. As we united as a family once again we came to understand our love and affection for each other, and how we have matured into loving, fun and warm individuals. For me, there is no easier way to express this than by showing you a video we filmed for the bride, while away on the Stag weekend:

My family has now become a very important part of my life. I feel grounded, safe and secure in the knowledge that I will always have them to support me wherever I go and whatever I do. I have also realised that I want to someday start a family of my own, and have started to look forward to the future family get-togethers, each with our respective partners and children. 

YOU HAVE THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD

I wrote this article partly to express my joy, love and pride at being part of such a special family, and partly to inspire other gay men to re-connect to their own. Until a few months ago, I never realised how special my own family was. And I never appreciated how deeply my own actions could influence our development and unity.

It is because of experiences like these that I am so happy and proud to be a part of The Velvet Journey. The learnings and discoveries I have made over the years of coaching with Tony have helped me create a life that is truly fulfilled in every sense. And I am extremely excited to be able to help bring his method, his awareness and his love for others to a wider audience.

I believe that anyone can improve his or her own relation with her parents and siblings. For sure, it may take time, effort, patience and forgiveness. But it is worth it. Love overcomes anything in the long run. Communicate with love, show your appreciation, and express your feelings. As you accept and love yourself you will learn to accept and love everyone around you, for exactly who they are. And what if they are not as accepting as you would like? Accept and love them regardless, and be patient. Be grateful for what you have been given: they have helped shape you, are a part of you, and therefore deserve your love.

As one of my younger brothers said, we have “the best family in the world”. However, you do too. So take a minute to think right now how you have affected your family over the years. What could you do today to improve your relationship with them? What steps can you take to expressing your love for them and showing them your appreciation? The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it is greener where you water it. So fill your watering can with your own love, and pour it over your family, your friends and above all, your dreams.

Will Pike – October 2012