Let me ask you a question, do you remember times when you tried to change someone's behaviour? I'm quite certain at some point in your life you have!
When you tried to get someone to do something different, how did it go? What did you say? What did you do? Most importantly how did the person react, where you aware of this or not?
Naturally, I'm guessing it didn't go so well. Firstly, the person probably didn't change. Secondly, things probably got worse as the person became angry, silent, or defensive towards you.
The interesting thing is that not only you might have tried to assert yourself and persuade the person to your way of thinking, but you probably pushed them further away from where you want them to be, right?
It's frustrating, isn't it? The most common communication barrier people use in this situation is giving advice.
You try to send a solution to help the person. You think you are doing the person a favour by giving advice, but all you are really doing is making the person feel frustrated for having received the solution. Are you ready to discover more?
Let me share with you the reasons we hate receiving solutions from people, it is because:
1) We lose control. The other person takes the reins in our life as they control what we should be doing. No one likes being controlled because it impedes on their freedom. It is a fundamental human need to be in control of one's life.
Some psychologists actually say the more a person is in control of his or her life, the more happy he or she is.
Powerful people lead others without controlling so they have freedom to make their own choices.
Give people control. Lead. Stop pulling people behind you.
Begin leading by doing. You'll be surprised at who follows.
2) Creates inferiority. A side-effect of having control over someone is the feelings of inferiority in the advised person.
When we lose control of ourselves, we feel like a lesser person. We seek to feel important, but solutions and advice prevent people from fulfilling this important need.
3) The problem is not that obvious. Humans are complex creatures. Even our simple processes are complex. Giving solutions to someone sub-communicates that your solution to their problem is so obvious that they are stupid, incompetent, and inferior.
Aeschylus, an ancient Greek playwright in 500 BC, said:
"It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer."
When you are tempted to send a solution to someone, you must acknowledge to yourself that you don't know the whole story. Even when you think you know the truth, you probably only know one side of the story. Why?
This leads me onto the fourth reason people hate receiving solutions from others.
4) People are oblivious to the truth. Human behaviour, and everything we experience, is like an iceberg.
An iceberg's visible tip is 10% of the entire iceberg because the ice's density is less than the sea water's density. The remaining 90% of the iceberg is below the water's surface, not visible to the common eye. How the 90% of the iceberg is shaped cannot be determined by looking at the iceberg's tip.
We are icebergs. Everything we do is icebergs. This can be a double-edged sword.
On one side, most people never concern themselves with understanding the 90% of a person or story that remains hidden to nearly everyone. They prefer to focus on themselves, stick with what they know, and never seek to fully understand people.
On the other side is tremendous potential to connect with people in a way they've never connected with someone before.
Going back to the start of this email where you tried to change someone, only to be met with resistance and hatred, imagine if you knew exactly why the person reacted the negative way they did towards you. What would you do?
You would remain calm because their anger, abuse, silence, shooting down of your ideas, humiliation of you - or whatever poor behaviour and communication they used - would not surprise you.
You would know how to EXACTLY handle the situation. You would never be caught off guard. You could work with whatever force someone threw at you and convert it around into getting them to do what you want.
This principle is known as "psychological judo." To fully learn how to apply "psychological judo" and learn the most effective secrets to become a charismatically persuasive people magnet, i have created " Live Your Purpose - A Journey to Your Highest Self " yearly coaching program that can help you connect to the full essence of what it means to be a human being. It’s about taking responsibility to look within yourself and inquire into the deepest questions you have about your unique indescribable gift of life. It’s about truth and no longer upholding lies within and without. To book your your consultation, learn more about how this program can help you click HERE!
If you are tired of people becoming resistant to the advice you send them... or if you are sick of not being able to charismatically influence people...
I encourage you to come along to "Love 2 Love" weekend workshop and learn about what love got to do with it, I invite you to come along, to book go to: http://love2love.eventbrite.co.uk/
Come along and gain some deep insights from Marina Pearson the author and creator of " Good By Mr Ex and let me take you on an inner journey, learn to open your heart, let go of deep emotional hurt that hold you back and so that you can start living your best life.
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Be the magnificent you and stay happy always,
©Tony J Selimi, Founder of The Velvet Journey & HealOneSelf, Transformational Life Coach, Chakra Healer, Reiki Master, Motivational Speaker, Life Artist and Teacher of Inner Wisdom.