As an entrepreneur as well as having coached over 1000 individuals both on personal and professional level, there are certain steps you must do in order to accomplish your goals so you can have the kind of business and life you have dreamed of having. From managing your own self, relationship to managing a team to handling clients - and everything in between - it can be easy to lose complete control of your day. We all have the same 24 hours available each day; what makes a difference between someone who is living their life and they are successful to someone who is not is only one thing, that is how you chose to use those 24 hours that's makes the difference.

From the point we go to sleep, to wakening up, doing our day to day routine, going to work, meetings, client services, and a To-Do List a mile long are frequent daily tasks in today’s fast pace life and in the world of running a business. The key is find an effective way to handle our daily routine to stay focused and on track to achieve your goals in the shortest amount of time and the least amount of effort.

Here are my 12 Secrets to staying focused and on track to achieving your goals:

SPOILER ALERT: The below is a shameless plug written out of love and respect - and is long overdue. 

If you had met me just a few years ago, you would have observed a very different person: a quiet, shy, reserved and nervous individual, unsure about himself, his opinions, his wants or his desires. Full of self-doubt, insecurities and fears, he struggled to be authentic around other people. He was unable to deeply connect to his friends, unable to express his love for the people in his life, and unable above all to love himself. Lost and confused, he had spent years jumping from city to city, from club to club, and from job to job in the search of some release, some hope and some fulfillment.



Nowadays, I am settled, grounded, happy and fulfilled. I Love (with a capital L) my work and my businesses, I have great friends to whom I am deeply connected  to and who support me in all my endeavors, and I have a fantastic loving relationship with my family. I am able to be my authentic self in all situations, and to express my true desires, wants and opinions. 

One person has had a huge impact on my transformation: my great friend, business partner and coach Tony Selimi. Here is our story:

HOW I MET TONY

When I met Tony, I had already began my journey. After a depressing few years, some little voice inside of me had guided me to finally settle down, and to start a work I could enjoy. I met Tony on the gym floor in 2010: he offered me a free healing in return for a PT session. Intrigued, I went along, with little expectations. 

Looking back on that first session, I remember how uncomfortable I felt. I felt prodded, nudged and gently wrestled into opening up and talking about myself, my feelings and my emotions. As a British passive aggressive introvert, it was my idea of hell. My ego kicked in with a vengeance: "Who was this man asking so many questions?" "Who did he think he was?" " How dare he make me feel so uncomfortable!" Part of me doubted and distrusted, another part of me was intrigued. But I knew deep down that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Tony was patient, and gave me the space to slowly feel more and more comfortable. Although part of me was screaming to run away back to my comfort zone, at the end of our session I chose to accompany him to dinner. As we chatted about spirituality, our lives, our dreams and our desires, something in me clicked and I knew that my life was about to take a turn for the better. 

After agreeing to provide Tony with some Personal Training in return for more coaching and healing, I left feeling elated, as if something in me had shifted, some hope had returned. There was light at the end of the tunnel.


MY INITIAL RESISTANCE

I would be lying to you if I said that I had jumped head first into my new path. Even though I could catch a glimpse of where I was headed, a big part of me resisted the process. The concepts of energy, of manifestation, of law of attraction etc were all new to me. Years and years of belief in the physical world as the only reality held me back, and it would take me many months before I could fully release my doubts and trust what Tony was talking about.

At the same time, I still held on tightly to my old destructive habits, my old thought patterns, my old conditioning. For over a year, I went through many ups and downs: one day feeling elated and on top of the world, the other back to the grey gloom and doom. I caught a glimpse of the happiness and self-love Tony talked about, and then found myself doubting I had ever experienced it.

In hindsight, these cycles matched the times when I listened and nurtured my inner voice, my truth, and the times when I blocked it out, doubted myself, and forgot my heart. Time after time I returned to see Tony, and at every single session, I opened up a tiny bit more, learnt a bit more about myself, and felt a bit more hopeful.


STEP BY STEP

Little by little, with Tony’s constant, loving yet patient support and understanding I started to see clearer and clearer. I discovered a new awareness of myself, my thoughts and my emotions. I began to understand my past behaviors, my day-to-day feelings and my future desires. And I embarked on a journey of tremendous change that has not stopped since. 

The fog slowly started to lift and I saw my life with a whole new perspective. I was able to see how for years I had avoided looking deeper into myself, always scared of what was inside. I was able to see how I had blamed my lack of love on everyone else but myself: my family, my friends, my clients. And I was able to see how much better my life was when I trusted and followed my intuition.  

It wasn't always plain sailing, I made many mistakes and put myself into many difficult situations. However Tony always empowered me to turn the situations around, to gain learnings and insights from them, to forgive myself and to move on quickly.

In doing so, I started to trust my instincts, and built a new-found respect and esteem for myself, my desires and my choices. I re-discovered love for life, for those around me and for me - for Will. My resistance dropped, and I became eager to learn more and more about the healing and coaching process, about our minds, our energies, our emotions - and how they all interact.

And as my inner world changed, so did my outer world. I stopped my old destructive habits, and began to nurture the parts of my life that needed me. My business began to take off, I attracted new wonderful friends, and re-connected with my twin, my brothers and my parents. My life slowly began to fall into place.


TONY'S COACHING

The job of a good Coach is to allow you to come to your own conclusions, make your own decisions, and choose what is right for yourself. And that is exactly what Tony did. His greatest skill has been to help me believe and trust my instincts to achieve my potential. We are all born great, with unique gifts, talents and personalities - however many of us suppress our true selves and forget our dreams and desires. Drawing on his learnings from many avenues including his own life story, Tony empowered me to push my boundaries, transform my mind and release my inner self. 

Tony has a positive energy and a love for life and for others that is contagious. He is a loving, warm and kind man, and keen to help everyone he meets. He has inspired me in many ways to do the same: to inject love into everything I do, everything I see and everyone I meet. He has become one of my closest friends, a trusted companion and a fantastic business partner. 

However, if I were to name one of Tony’s top strengths, it would be his integrated and in-depth knowledge of both Coaching AND Healing. Through my own experience, I have realized how important they both are, in conjunction with one another. Any healing of the physical body is far more powerful when one can understand the root of the symptom in their subconscious, and make changes to their mindset through coaching. And coaching is far more powerful with the understanding of energy, vibrations and manifestation. 

Tony has been an avid learner for many years, and has done all kind of certifications (each with different initials and abbreviations !). Rather than sticking to one particular school of thought, he happily uses the best bits of each one, and tailors his approach depending on the situation. This integration of the mind and spirit has really opened up my eyes to the world around us, and has helped me transform the way I see my business, my training and my relationships. 

Of course, it goes without saying that I would wholeheartedly recommend Tony to anyone. I truly believe that everyone could benefit from a bit of coaching and healing, and that the world would be a better place if we all applied just 10% of what Tony can teach. 


START YOUR OWN JOURNEY

For me, Tony has been a fantastic catalyst for change, a great influence in my life, and an astounding friend. Thanks to him I have learnt to love, be loved, to express myself, and to reach for the stars. I have kickstarted an incredible transformation and have found my true self. I feel authentic, fulfilled and content - and so very excited about what the future will bring.

Looking into yourself and committing to your own personal growth is best thing you could ever do. Yes it will require some work. Yes it may be uncomfortable at times. And yes you may have many layers and issues to unravel. But the long-term reward you will get is immense, immeasurable, and most likely impossible to even imagine.

Happiness and fulfillment is inside of you. It may have been locked up by fears, doubts and insecurities - but it is within your grasp. I dare you to go find it. 

Will Pike - 30 January 2013

At one time in my life, I had some real challenges with taking action, this was before i was made redundant in 2009, times when the down turn in the economy happened and i like many of you out there was feeling the heat, the pressure, the stress and the need to perform more and more tasks at shorter periods of time. Let me ask you the this question, do you see yourself in this picture? And, like you probably have, I spent a lot of time looking for different tools, methods, and systems for helping me overcome those challenges. Then one day I stumbled across an article that described a simple action-taking system called ‘timeboxing.’

Almost immediately, I knew I had found the solution that I was looking for, because not only was timeboxing easy to understand and use, but it totally eliminated the two obstacles to taking action that we just talked about.

Let me share with you how it works, and you can figure out whether you agree with me or not…

1. Write down all the things you want to get done for the day: Everything from writing, creating content, or planning your next project to answering your email and balancing your checkbook.
2. Assign a specific time to each task: Anything from 15 minutes to 4 hours.
3. Select a task, start a timer (like an egg time), and focus on nothing but accomplishing that task: This means you don’t answer the phone, you don’t get up for a drink, you don’t log onto Facebook – none of that. You remain focused on the task-at-hand!

In other words, each action you need to take during the day represents a small ‘block’ of that day (a box, if you will). You determine how big of a box it is by how much time you set aside to accomplish it (a single day can consist of anything from just a few, to a dozen boxes). When you’re ready to take action, select a box, start a timer, and get to work!

That is timeboxing!

How does timeboxing eliminate the two obstacles to taking action that we talked about a minute ago? Here’s how:

• It Creates Clarity - Creating a simple, but clear list of things you need to do (getting it out of your head) gives order and stucture to what you need to do – it gives your brain the clarity it needs in order to feel compelled to take massive action
• It Uses Time As A Strong Motivating Force - Assigning each task a specific time and using a countdown timer to work on that task within that timeframe has the same motivating effect as you would experience trying to meet any other time-based deadline – meeting the deadline is compelling, and your brain sees it as a strong reason WHY you should act!

See, I told you it was simple, and that the name fit! 

If you practice these three simple steps regularly, it will totally revolutionize the way you get things done in your life - guaranteed!

As I began using timeboxing regularly, my science and engineering brain kicked in, and I began to see how a my integrated coaching and Reiki would enhance its effectiveness and ease of-use even further.

How?

• By Eliminating The Grunt Work - Helping you Create lists of actions, assign time, prioritizing them, tracking which ones you’ve completed, and remembering which ones you need to do regularly are all things that can be handled more efficiently when obstacles occur that i can help you with
• By Giving You Visual Tools To Help You Get A Crystal-Clear Picture Of Your Day - Humans are visual creatures. The clearer we can see something, the more we feel like we can control it. When it comes to planning your day, the clearer you can visualize what you need to do, and how much time it’s going to take, the more easily you can manage it and believe that it can be done! My visual coaching hour does exactly that, help you connect through your third eye and create and maintain vision.
• By Helping You Track How And Where You’re Spending Your Time - One of the most important skills you can have when it comes to getting things done is awareness – knowing exactly how and where you’re spending your time. After all, how can you manage something (like your time) if you aren’t aware of how you’re using it? Once again, working with your Coach makes doing this a breeze!

To see how my integrated coaching can help you in this journey feel free to visitwww.thevelvetjourney.com/coaching

©Tony J Selimi

When it comes to traveling, I am lucky enough to have done my fair share. By the age of 24, I had lived in Buenos Aires, the Falklands, Salamanca, Barcelona, Bath and Manchester and spent time in South America and Africa. These trips were hugely formative and I am so grateful for having had the opportunity to do so (and especially for my parents bank account for the occasional top-up). However my recent trip to Vietnam and Cambodia, during which I cycled 500km for Parkinson’s UK, was an entirely new type of experience and adventure, which opened my eyes in many ways.

Of course, there were many highlights to the trip: the fantastic scenery, the amazing food, the cycling, the sunshine, etc. But what really made it was the people. The people we travelled with, but also the people we met along the way. 

Our group was composed of over 30 individuals ranging between 20 and 66 years old. Over the 12 day trip, I got to spend time with each and every one of them, from the cycling to the water stops via the dinners and sightseeing tours. A mini social experiment of sorts, in which I learnt a lot about myself, others and the human ability to connect.

I realized half way through our trip that I hadn’t been in similar social conditions since high school or university: a group of strangers coming together to spend every waking second in each others company. And what a group it was. A bunch of extremely positive, upbeat, happy people that were brought together with the common objective of giving their time, money and energy to help others. Each and every person had a different background, a different story, and a different reason for engaging in the adventure. Old, young, female, male, gay, straight, etc. All of us came together as a unit and formed great bonds throughout the trip.

Over the first few days, we slowly began to meet each other, and started to connect between ourselves. People started to open up, to share their experiences, backgrounds and opinions with the group. Throughout the 12 days, we discovered more and more about every single person, our personalities, behaviors and perceptions.

I quickly learnt to lose any expectation or judgement about anyone. When we meet someone, we instantly form a script, a picture and an idea of what that person is like, about their life and who they are. However every single person on the trip blew me away. People surprised me in many ways, and I learnt that each individual is special in their own unique way. As one person wrote upon his return to the UK: “Thank You to all of you for rejuvenating my belief in humankind.. You are all outstanding people.”

However the human connections we developed were not simply between ourselves. Through our cycling, we met hundreds if not thousands of people along the way. Children gathered at the sides of the roads, screaming Hello, shouting and smiling at us passing by. Their parents by their sides would smile, beaming genuine love and interest. Many people stopped to take pictures of the people, the children, and to interact with them, despite everyones limited knowledge of the others’ language. 

Simply by making eye contact, smiling and saying hello, we were able to connect with other human beings along the way. We were able to feel a bond, a connection, a similar human spirit. And we were able to send and receive genuine love without using words.

I strongly believe that everyone of us is dying to connect with others. When we walk on the street, all of us have the urge to reach out to those around us. It is natural. It is what we are designed to do. However in our society and our big city lives we have forgotten this. How many of us look at the ground, avoid the gaze of others as much as possible? When was the last time you met anyone on the tube? People are lacking that feeling of connectedness and love. A simple smile and eye contact is enough to change that. 

This trip has opened my eyes in many ways. I have understood how easy it is to connect with others once you release any expectation or pre-conceived opinions on people. I have realized how important it is to me to connect with everyone I meet, and to allow all kinds of people into my life. I have reinforced my belief that everyone is special, and has something unique and wonderful to offer the world. And above all, I have discovered the importance of a smile, the importance of making eye contact, and the importance of saying hello.

Will Pike – November 2012

Amazing positive shifts and changes are happening around the planet.

If one is lacking self-Love as a man, what does it then take to overcome these challenges in life? And how do addictions come into play as a way of coping with life for some men?

We need to look no further, Obama is the first president winning both the popular and electoral vote majorities and to sign a pro-LGBT bill. The first president to speak out in support of the freedom to marry, and the president who made open service in USA armed forces for gays and lesbians possible, LGBT Americans have won a major victory and with that a strong message was sent to the entire world.

It is a fact and scientifically proven that empowered individuals that are in touch with their deepest self, their inner feelings and their true love operate at much higher vibrational levels. Individuals who are at this level have the capability to shift from “Love of Power” to “Power of Love”. Obama, the USA re-elected a president is one of the kind of individuals I am talking about. The first president that endorsed gay marriage, a man who knows we are all love, we are all one, a man who used the Power of Love to make all of it to happen.

This is a giant leap for humanity, a strong message that we are all Love was sent to the entire world. It is a stepping stone towards creating a world that is free from limited beliefs, free from judgement, and is accepting for all mankind.

We are love by default, we just need to remember it, and how do we do this, well I have been on this journey from the moment I was born and the more I feel present right not the more I Love.

For me living a wonderful life is about staying open through the changes and the difficult times. It is about keeping going and consistently sticking to my goals knowing that I am growing as I do so.

Beliefs about Love can hinder our own well being as well to those around us. The above would have not been possible if Obama did not belief in equality, in love for all mankind, etc.  It is essential to understand ourselves at deeper level, explore the deep hurts that we are unable to let go, release and learn to accept those who hurt you and those you hurt.

When we connect with our hearts and we expand our sense of freedom, trust and joy. We start to radiate our understanding and knowing of Love, we are opening the way to becoming what we already are: Love

Coming from a much closed minded community, for many years i lived in fear, I lacked the courage, and the self-belief needed to love myself resulting in a single life that had its upsides but was ultimately very lonely for long periods of time. This went on for many years until at a defining moment, when I found the strength to take life back in my own hands. I did something about it when the status quo became just too painful. I engaged in a wide variety of self-development programs and courses to develop my skills, confidence and healing my own life, I took the plunge and this is what I did:

• I find out the BIG WHAT that was holding me back from being me
• Become comfortable and confident in who I am as a man
• Took small daily actions to unleash my potential
• Became clear about my limited beliefs and took actions to find new ones
• Learn the most effective tools to self-love, acceptance and opening my heart

Now I thrive in all areas of my life as i guide men into becoming confident men too.

Through my personal journey of letting go of the deep hurts I found Love for myself, I started to speak my truth about Love and able to see the Love in others and receive it too. The question i have for you is, how much has deep hurt cost you so far?

I entered a journey of experience being love in profound new ways, I went through a four-step process acceptance, identify, mobilize, and release the painful memories and life-damaging beliefs that are at the root of many emotional and physical health problems. The fourth steps helped me opening my heart to true love flowing into me.

If you too relate to the above, are experiencing lacks of self-love and are at stage of your life where you want to take life back into your own hands, than the new and very unique Love2Loveworkshop held on the 1st of December is the one to help you unleash the authentic man within. Only number of tickets available, Book yours now, click HERE!

On my recent visit to Macedonia for my mother’s 78thbirthday I found myself in a situation that was extremely challenging both emotionally and mentally. For the sake of the love, respect and not wanting to disappoint my family and people I love and care about I ended up setting myself into an autopilot mode by doing things that were expected of me and letting myself go with the flow.  I could not help but notice the changes in people’s behaviour around me as well as the anger that was being build inside of me. Whilst there were positive feeling being generated in the actions I was doing that were making other people happy, bit by bit I started to neglect my own wants and needs, as the time went on this started to build into more frustration and anger.

Doing things for others for sure is rewarding, ignoring our own needs, not listening to our own inner voice and not allowing ourselves to be who we actually are is NOT. Living in a straight men’s world where everyone is expecting you to be a well behaved, a respected son and a family guy if not managed properly can led to so much anger being stored inside of you.

How many of you have been told that anger is inappropriate?  It’s not good to be angry.  And so we’ve learned to ignore our feelings of anger, push them down, suppress them, and pretend they don’t exist.  In the long run, I realised that’s not any healthier for you than expressing your anger inappropriately. I now completely understand.  Having left my culture I made a decision a long time ago to stop being angry at my family, at the macho guys at school who bullied me for spending my time with girls and not playing football with them, at all of the people who started the war in former Yugoslavia that led me to loose friends, family and being forced to flee the country I grew up and new to be my own (at that time), at employers and friends who simply did not appreciate the hard work I put over the years. It was serving no one.

What I did not realize is that although I stopped expressing anger, I was also not honestly acknowledging how I felt, and so I was actually just storing the anger in my body.

One of the things I have learned through experience, working with healers, spiritual teachers, with many of my friends and helping clients move through relationship issues is that stored anger shows up in our life in many ways.  Often people who struggle with addiction, especially alcoholism have repressed anger.  Chronic pain has also proven to reveal hidden and stored anger.

Repressed anger is often disguised and sometimes it takes working through other emotions to arrive at the anger.

I’ve also discovered in both my personal and professional path that rather than acknowledging and expressing the anger we feel at other people, experiences, and life in general, we turn those heavy emotions inward and begin to blame ourselves, judge our feelings, and begin to want to justify or make sense of the feelings that dare to rise up and call our attentions. So we learn, to hide them, mask them, make excuses for them, and turn more judgement and pain inward at our own shortcomings and failings. I was the first to tell you, “ I’m not angry.” I would just as quickly jump in and justify why I should NOT feel angry, and make sense of the situation and talk myself right out of feeling what was real for me.  I had every right to be mad, and yet at some level, I did not believe that I did.  By the way, this did not stop the feelings from showing up.  I just got really good at “making sense” of it all – and totally dis empowering my real feelings and myself in the process.

Thank goodness, the work I have done over the years is helping me each time I go back to my roots, family and culture.  I have learned how to safely and quickly address what’s really causing the show of feelings, giving a voice to them, and letting go of the judgement and blame we tend to hold.

Addressing and releasing not only anger but other emotions and feelings that may be masking the real feelings of anger that you are holding is your first step.

It is your chance to move through the heavy, energetic emotions that are interfering with your happiness, and your living the life that you really want to be experiencing.

What I have found is that through combination of Chakra Healing, Life Coaching and tapping i work with clients on releasing the energy, the thoughts, the meta programming that causes this anger, it allows for more joy to come in.  You move the old, stuck, stagnant energy out of your system and make room for more of the new positive thoughts and energy to fill you.

If you are feeling stuck, lost or hopeless,

If you are at a crossroads and don’t know which way to turn,

If you are generally unhappy and just don’t know why,

If you know you want to make a change, and just cannot shift,

If you are chronically having accidents or experiencing pain and discomfort,

There’s a strong possibility that there is some stored, stuck, unexpressed anger (or other emotion) in your body, in your subconscious, in your energy body.  So get in touch as I would love for you to be anger free, you will be free to move forward to create the life and relationships you desire and to be all that you imagine.

To your love and joy,

Tony J Selimi ©HealOneSelf

The universe works in wonderful ways. Last Sunday, I had the chance to spend an inspiring afternoon with my new friend Marc. Over a plate of runny eggs and too many coffees, our discussion floated to a deep open chat about our paths, our struggles and our insecurities. We realised how we had both felt out of place in our childhood, had both struggled with our identities and had both felt a disconnect with the world around us. And then, by luck, we selected a movie that beautifully and wonderfully represented all of what we had touched upon: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

This funny, inspired, and heartfelt movie blew us both away. It follows the freshman year of Charlie, a troubled and quiet teenager who has had little interaction with people his age. He meets siblings Patrick and Sam, and as the plot unfolds, opens up and overcomes many of his struggles. The film touched us in many ways and struck a deep chord within both of us, for a few reasons;

It showed how we can feel like spectators of our own lives. Charlie, the main character, has had little interaction with other people. He is quiet, lost in his thoughts, trying to understand himself and his place in the world, by observing and analysing everything going on around him. For many people, that feeling can be a reality: insecurity, bad experiences or trauma fill them with fear or doubt: they don’t feel good enough to speak their opinions, to connect to others or to stand up for themselves. They feel unable to take action, to speak their thoughts and to take control of their lives. They observe the world around them to understand it better, rather than participating in it and living. They are, as the movie title hints, as a wallflower: they look out to the world from their fixed perspective, feeling disconnected and separate.

It showed how we can focus on others too much, forgetting to take care of our own selves. Charlie wants to make everyone around him happy, however he is unable to help himself. As children, we learn to validate our behaviours through the people around us: our parents, teachers, families. We learn to associate ourselves with external events and factors to make our decisions and formulate our opinions. But although many learn to disassociate themselves as thew grow older, some are still unable to trust their own judgements and their own instincts. Instead, they live their lives based on what they assume others may think and on how they may be perceived. They show love to people around them, however do not take care of themselves, do not follow their inner voice, do not follow their deepest desires. They spend their time and energy caring for others, for their families, friends or colleagues. They fail to take care of themselves, of their minds, their bodies and their spirits. They don’t understand what makes them tick, what makes them feel good, and what drives them.

It showed how we don’t always feel deserving of love. “We accept the love that we think we deserve”. One of the most memorable quotes from the movie, this simple sentence perfectly explains why many date the wrong people. They don’t feel worthy of love, don’t believe that love exists for them, don’t imagine being good enough. So they settle. They settle in the wrong relationships, with the wrong friends, in the wrong careers. At some point in our lives, we all feel unworthy and undeserving, and we let it affect us in many ways, at a conscious level but also at a subconscious one, letting people and events take advantage of us.

 It showed how we all have unique talents and gifts. Charlie discovers a great love for music, for reading and for writing. He is encouraged by his English teacher to follow his love for words and to write his own short stories and eventually, novels. We all have our own amazing talents, however many of us do not develop them. Instead we participate in activities, jobs and careers that help us to fit in, when in fact, we were born to stand out. How many people do you know that are actually following their dreams, that take time to do things they truly love doing, and use their gifts to help people around them?

It showed how we can glimpse at times at how amazing we are. Even the most unaware person can glimpse at times at how we are not the sad story that we tell ourselves. We all get moments like these in our lives: moments when we feel on top of the world, we feel amazing, we feel fulfilled. Many people find this fulfilment through external factors: relationships, food, alcohol, exercise, etc. In these cases, the feeling will be short lived. True long-term fulfilment comes from following your heart, being yourself, and making steps to create the life you want, in every single aspect of it.

THE PERKS OF BEING YOU
The feelings and emotions portrayed in the movie hit a deep chord in me. It felt very close to home, and am sure will do for a number of gay men. It reminded me of we can feel separate from those around us, our lives and the people we love. During our childhood and teenage years we observe from a distance and learn to fit in by adapting our personality and appearance. We keep a safe distance between ourselves and the rest of the world.

Some of us learn to validate ourselves by external signs of happiness: expensive clothes, a perfect body, financial success, lavish parties. We look at others to love us, to fill our own lack of self-love. We don’t always feel deserving: we subconsciously bring ourselves down for being who we are. Many gay men I know, including myself in the past, fall into the wrong relationships with the wrong people. We settle for a small portion of what we really want, because we don’t believe that we can or in fact are worthy of anything better.

However, we all have many magnificent gifts and talents. Us gay men have paved the way in many industries, many fields, many arts. We have developed a unique sense of self-deprecating humour and have shown the world an openness of mind that has helped shape our society. Each individual, gay or straight, male or female, has something to offer the world. It is up to you to take full advantage of it, to create your own unique niche, to be yourself. Once you let go of the need for external approval, of your fears and that you truly follow your heart, you will discover just how amazing you are.

WE ARE INFINITE
We left the cinema remembering what life was all about: about following your dreams, connecting to yourself and to others, and finding your fulfilment. We both realised how grateful we were to some of our close friends for showing us the way to find love within ourselves, and helping us see the love around us. In my case, my fantastic friend, Founder of The Velvet Journey, Tony, who helped kick start in me a will to create the life of my dreams: fulfilled, balanced, healthy and happy.

We are infinite. That is the one final message of the movie that encapsulates just how amazing each and every one of us are. We are all capable of great things, once we learn from our pasts and commit to a better future. As was said in the movie: “We can’t do anything about where we’ve come from. But we can do something about where we go from here.”

Will Pike – October 2012

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Tony and myself are running our “Be Yourself, Change Your World” 1-day workshop on Saturday the 3rd of November. We will cover many of the topics mentioned above: self-love, acceptance, confidence and direction, to help you create a life of your own design. For more information and to book your ticket, click here.

 WE ARE OUR FAMILIES

It’s a fact: our families shape us. We spend our early years in wonderful awe of the world we have come into; we soak up everything around us and create our perceptions of the world based on what we are told, see and hear. Then as we grow up, our own experiences add a new layer of beliefs and truths about the world and ourselves, which follow us and determine our feelings and behaviours.

As gay men, the relationship we have with our families can be a complex one. Many a family has been torn apart by a son or daughter coming out. I have met several men who were completely rejected by their own parents for being themselves, and expressing it. Of course, these are extreme and (luckily) rare cases – yet they go to show how non-acceptance of individuals leads to negativity and the breakdown of some families.

Yet this non-acceptance does not always come from the family itself: it can also be internalized within us. We live in a society with a history of hatred towards anything outside of the norm, and a background of sexism, racism and homophobia. Although times have changed and the world (especially the UK and London in particular) is becoming a more tolerant and integrated place, at a subconscious level such widespread negativity has had a damaging impact on a lot of gay men. Many, including myself, have had to struggle with the nagging feeling that they are not right, that they do not fit in, and that they cannot be themselves. And if we do not fully accept ourselves, how can we expect others to?

As such, being gay can have an effect on the way we feel, on the way we communicate, and on how we interact with our siblings and parents. I have recently realised for example that I pushed my family away throughout my teenage years and my early twenties. I wasn’t accepting myself, and therefore I could not accept my family for who they were. At the time, I blamed them for not being the family I thought I should have, for not having the relationship with them I would like, and for not being the kind of people I wanted them to be. Why? Because it was easier to blame them and to focus on their own failings and defaults, rather than face myself and my own.

MY OWN STORY

Indeed, since the age of 15 my twin brother and myself started to grow apart. We went to different high schools, studied different degrees, and started hanging out with different people. At the same time, my communication with my parents and other brothers (twins as well) hit a low point. In reality, I was struggling with who I was, and could not accept or understand my own gay thoughts and feelings: I wanted to be left alone.

Over the next decade these subconscious feelings remained, and got in the way of any normal interaction I could have had with my close family, and even with my twin. My drama-free coming out at the age of 21 was a milestone, and gave me a hint of what I would realise a few years later: that I had come from a truly loving and accepting family. However, at the time I was only just beginning to understand myself, and was deeply lacking in confidence, self-love and acceptance. And so I carried on my years of drifting, of feeling lost and unable to be or express myself.

It wasn’t until I met Tony at the age of 25 and started my own journey of self-discovery with him that I finally began to see clear. I realised that my behaviour towards my family had evolved not from them, but from our misunderstanding and miscommunication. And I understood that the only person that could re-build a loving relationship and open communication with my family was myself. 

And so I made the conscious decision to try harder: to call them more often, to demonstrate my love for them at every occasion, to appreciate them and to connect with them at a deeper level. Over the past two years, I have expressed my darker secrets, my thoughts, my feelings and emotions to them, sometimes in writing, sometimes in person. And they have listened with unconditional love. They have accepted every single part of myself, with no judgment whatsoever.  It wasn’t always easy; my old, dark feelings sometimes crept back and stopped me from being myself. However I have persevered, and things have changed in ways I thought unthinkable a few years back.

At the same time, through my own self-acceptance and self-love, I in turn learnt to accept them and to love them unconditionally. I learnt to appreciate what I have, and to be grateful for what I have been given. And I have discovered what amazing people they are. I am extremely proud of my parents, my twin, and my two younger twin brothers.

My twin got married a few weeks ago. Throughout the last few months, our family has been drawn closer and closer as we got together for a Stag weekend in Budapest, a pre-party at our home in France and the official wedding in Wigan. I believe the whole process was very healing for all of us. As we united as a family once again we came to understand our love and affection for each other, and how we have matured into loving, fun and warm individuals. For me, there is no easier way to express this than by showing you a video we filmed for the bride, while away on the Stag weekend:

My family has now become a very important part of my life. I feel grounded, safe and secure in the knowledge that I will always have them to support me wherever I go and whatever I do. I have also realised that I want to someday start a family of my own, and have started to look forward to the future family get-togethers, each with our respective partners and children. 

YOU HAVE THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD

I wrote this article partly to express my joy, love and pride at being part of such a special family, and partly to inspire other gay men to re-connect to their own. Until a few months ago, I never realised how special my own family was. And I never appreciated how deeply my own actions could influence our development and unity.

It is because of experiences like these that I am so happy and proud to be a part of The Velvet Journey. The learnings and discoveries I have made over the years of coaching with Tony have helped me create a life that is truly fulfilled in every sense. And I am extremely excited to be able to help bring his method, his awareness and his love for others to a wider audience.

I believe that anyone can improve his or her own relation with her parents and siblings. For sure, it may take time, effort, patience and forgiveness. But it is worth it. Love overcomes anything in the long run. Communicate with love, show your appreciation, and express your feelings. As you accept and love yourself you will learn to accept and love everyone around you, for exactly who they are. And what if they are not as accepting as you would like? Accept and love them regardless, and be patient. Be grateful for what you have been given: they have helped shape you, are a part of you, and therefore deserve your love.

As one of my younger brothers said, we have “the best family in the world”. However, you do too. So take a minute to think right now how you have affected your family over the years. What could you do today to improve your relationship with them? What steps can you take to expressing your love for them and showing them your appreciation? The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it is greener where you water it. So fill your watering can with your own love, and pour it over your family, your friends and above all, your dreams.

Will Pike – October 2012